🚨Warning: satire of ‘autism gift guides’. Not to be taken seriously!🚨
It’s that time of year: the weather is icy and Christmas Day is approaching faster than Santa in a festive Ferrari. Pushed for gifts for the neurotypical in your life? Then look no further! The Cold Tea Connoisseur NT Gift Guide is full of great ideas!
1) Wetherspoons Gift Cards.
Why not buy them a treat for all their senses? Chain pubs are the perfect way for your NT to rub shoulders (and knees, and toes and everything else) at the crowded bar? They’ll love shouting across the music so much they won’t want to leave, which is great because they will literally stick to the dirty floors and tables.
The dry, fizzy wine is so popular on Facebook memes your NT loved one is bound to enjoy the unpleasant taste and bubbles creeping up their nostrils.
3) Volunteer sign-up.
Being drafted in to help a local charity will help release all the excess empathy NTs struggle to contain, leaving them free to judge and argue at the Christmas table with the rest of us.
4) Gift Experience: Comedy Writer’s Course, London.
Send them to fulfil their potential. After all, other neurotypes don’t ‘get’ humour and sarcasm so capitalise on their superiority!
5) Novelty Christmas scarf.
Nothing screams ‘happy NT’ like an itchy, hot scarf that serves as an ice breaker for all those annoyingly quiet bus journeys.
6) Hobby Magazine Subscription (3 months).
Never to get obsessed by restrictive ‘passions’, they’ll love having a passing interest in a crafty hobby.
7) Toy Microphone.
Perfect for interjecting in Post Office queues, unexpected bursts of laughter in the cinema and general projection purpose. Make the world sensory accessible with lots of noise!
8) A Hamper of Perfumes.
One spritz is never enough, let the air be filled with their favourite eye-watering clashes of scents!
9) Vegan bacon aka ‘facon’.
Got a Daily Mail reader in the fam? Ease the concern of catching autism by eating bacon with this delicious gift!
10) Astrology Chart.
Get your ‘typically developed’ loved ones’ destiny mapped on this gorgeous keepsake. Nothing says ‘love of the illogical and life’s grey areas’ like this map of mysticism!